I really just don’t have words to tell what’s going on inside me. I’m a blubbering mass of desire… and I don’t even know what it is I’m looking for most of the time. The feelings are so strong…feelings of hope for a desired future, but the picture is so cloudy and faded. There is much frustration in my situation because of the vocation I’m in…I’m a “pastor,” a “minister,” supposed to have these questions of meaning figured out.

But I fell like all I am is a coiled up ball of desire, with no way to articulate it to others.

Sometimes I think its that I feel alone…that no one understands me. Then I understandably blame myself for not communicating whatever it is that is inside me, and isolating myself because I don’t want those feelings inside of me that are so valuable and precious…the only fuel that keeps me going… to be drown out by other voices that don’t and won’t understand. Truth be told, I feel like everyone is conspiring to maintain the way things always have been…

…and my heart beats for more…

but more what? More rleationships? More community? More deep interaction with God and life? I don’t know. I just know that my heart beats…

and it beats the most when I read the Bible.


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