I’m going home to Kansas for the weekend for my little sister’s graduation. Weird that she’s already graduating. While home, I plan on playing golf with some old friends (strategic interaction), and asking myself whether I’m ready for what’s next in my life. Seems like I think more clearly when I’m at home. When I can physically take myself out of an environment, I find it easier to think through big decisions.
My family seems like such a distant reality. Our phone conversations aren’t as intimate as they used to be, or as frequent. memories of togetherness have begun to fade. Yet still, the connection will always be there. What can I do to make the most out of that connection? I miss my brother…even though we weren’t really close in college. We chose different paths…way different paths, but I still enjoyed having him around. I wonder about who he is deep down, underneath all the crap and the emotional walls. I think about my sister, five years younger, who is now graduating from high school, and becoming an adult. I never really got the chance to be there for her as an older brother, as hard as I tried.
If I could define my family with a phrase it would be this: emotionally closed off. We never shared how we felt. As a result, I’ve found throughout college and through my adult life, it is hard for me to be completely honest and open with people that are the closest with me. Why is that?
What is it about us humans that causes us to draw so much of the way we choose to act from the past?
Repition becomes habit, I guess, and what you tolerate in the beginning, you will eventually come to accept sooner or later. But praise God that one of the ways he chooses to describe his activity through Christ is “proclaiming freedom for the captives.” Indeed we are all captive to our own patterns of behavior. So it is with family relationships. But I have to believe that I can be set free from this prison of emotional distance from people.
One of my goals for this weekend: to ask my dad one question about life that I wouldn’t normally ask him.