“It is true he smiled absently now and then when the others laughed, but that was only for manners. Doubtless he was seeing somewhere the saddest of all visions—the things that might have been.”
–George MacDonald, The Baronet’s Song
Man… how great it’d be to know that you were doing something that was going to matter after you are dead. I wouldn’t be doing what I do unless I believed that I was doing that, but some days are harder than others. I had an encounter today… one of those rare encounters where a student tells a story that leaves you speechless with your heart in your throat. A situation is described about which even the most learned of men cannot open their mouths. I walked out of that encounter with the gravity of the world on my shoulders.
It was in that moment that I went into my office, closed the door, and looked at the piece of paper before me. Everything came crashing upon me, and after a period of time, could’ve been five minutes, could’ve been an hour, of staring at the wall, the tears began to flow.
Wounds and regrets… is that all life comes down to in the end? I wouldn’t be doing what I do unless I believed that its not all it comes down to in the end. I will die soon. But I will live forever.
Those are the thoughts I have, sitting in my office, the calendar before me reminding me of more than just appointments and dates… reminding me of finitude. The red light on the phone blinks at me, signaling the voicemails I’m not prepared to listen to, and my Outlook is filled with unread messages that I’m in no state to read. Outside someone laughs, piercing the stillness, and I’m reminded that despite the gravity I sometimes doesn’t have to be carried by myself, and that amidst the seriousness of injury, life can still be enjoyed.